To Live and Breathe, Effortlessly.

Understanding my Worth and Setting Boundaries.

hello hello. the longer i strive to understand the complexities of my life, the harder it gets to live it. while my passion for good things overcomes the adversities of the change around me, i seem to have found a middle-ground.

this months newsletter is about all things happy, all the good than shun brighter than the ugly.

i had a very full month that seemed to last a year. the never-ending November crushed the soul within me, breathing me back to life slowly now. fall, in itself, is by far the hardest time of the year for so many, including myself, so much so that i have been numbed out of my body for the entirety of it.

sitting down to write this piece, i’ll start with a lil rant:

i found myself two days ago at a crossroad, wanting to figure out the mind of someone while all they gave me was crumbs. totally understanding the reasons behind all this now, i seemed to have forgotten what it means to be alive. my path was so distorted by the mixed signals that i was completely incapacitated with pure rage to the point where i dissociated.

my fears have always been, for anyone who knows me well, that at my core i have solidified my belief in never being enough. that belief was struck true when i found myself watching someone get further and further away from me. where i could be simply understood by a singular conversation, i found myself alone in my room at 3 am fighting the urge to scream.

it is a completely different dynamic when you see someone pull away from you the more you try to get closer. where words die down and the silence breathes echoes into the vacuum your body has become; there, though, you find art.

so i gave a little looksey back to my old work, after writing some new ones as well, and found my favorite poem i have ever written, one i performed at a Misfits Poetry Night in Bahrain, Apricity. that poem struck so many people so clean, i had the excellence that is Kaav compliment it, teary-eyed. that, to me, was the purest form of connection and appreciation.

there, an epiphany arose. what i thought mundane before seemed to make so much sense to me immediately.

i found myself, on the bathroom floor like i do, cig in hand, just having a lil therapy session with the walls. i spoke to the room like i would speak to a friend. the silence within those walls gave me answers no words could ever do. my psychoanalysis of myself was so pure that i needed no one but myself in that moment because i am the one who shows up for me no matter what.

i told myself the truth, clean and straight up:

i cannot afford to ever love someone more than i love myself. it took me years of work and therapy and medications and rants and advice and poetry and tears to get to a point of where i know what i want and, most importantly, i know what i deserve. those who wish to have a connection with me need to be up to the mark of supporting that connection. i do not have the time or the energy to tolerate mixed signals or indecisiveness. for all the good reasons, my rule is that if you can’t make up your mind about me, i don’t have the time to help you figure that out. you’re either in, or you’re out.

what i know now is that there is a lot of work that still needs to be done for me to be able to understand that i may not be unlovable, no matter what my past has made me believe. i deserve the good stuff, not just the bad. fundamentally, the bad has made a lil cottage for itself in a corner of my heart, and i’ll allow it to stay. i’ll allow it to be there because it is necessary to remember the bad in order to appreciate the good.

my past may never leave me, or rather i may not want it to leave. and that is okay with it. it isn’t baggage i carry it is memories. where there was bad, there was once a lot of good. to shun away the bad means to discard the good with it and, that i will never let happen. i am a compilation of all the bad that happened to me, but i am more than just the ugly that lives inside me.

i remember now that i have boundaries. if you are flaky, if you are avoidant, if you do not show me you want to be around me, i have no obligation to ask you to stay.

what i know within myself, what i told myself, is that i deserve someone who is sure of me. i deserve someone who wants to be around me. we think all of the obligations lie in romance but in actuality there are far many requirements for a platonic relationship too. i don’t deserve to feel like i am not loved. i do not deserve mixed signals. i deserve a life full of hope. i deserve happiness.

with that, i vowed to myself to never allow another to disrespect me to the point of having to go back to the bathroom floor. i have seen that film before.

the song that has been stuck with me lately has been Reincarnated by Kendrick Lamar. that album came out and i fell in love. this song spoke volumes to me as i sat back reminiscing about my past and the lives i’ve lived in the last 2 decades. and as i get ready to say goodbye to my 20s very soon, i needed this reminder of all the ugly i have left behind.

what i leave you with, understand that you are worth it. set your boundaries and own up to them. you deserve a life where you don’t have to scavenge for love, you deserve to have it presented. i know love takes work, do the work. but my god, never allow someone to make you question your worth!! you are your priority. everyone else is secondary. love yourself more than you could ever love anyone else. love yourself and then love another. and if they make you feel worthless, shawty leave!

until next time, ciao

x