Polaroid of Fever-Dreams.

Finding Excitement in My Life.

hello hello. your past breathes like an unborn child begging to show itself and scream into your void effortlessly. such is the case no matter the escape.

this months newsletter is about finding excitement in the never-ending cycle of dread.

i have been swamped with work. since we are progressing towards the end of the semester, life could not be more chaotic. with final projects stacked on top of each other and moving into my house and having the MUN be scheduled at the same time, i have had not a second to breathe. with that, i feel that i have been neglecting my “me time” to the point where i haven’t had my own space for as far back as weeks, if i remember correctly (could be more but cannot be less).

so, i made myself a lil cup of tea and lit up a cigarette and sat down to write this newsletter. i understand i have been neglecting the one thing Kaav asked me to do when i told her im starting my own newsletter, she said, “be consistent!” and i have been anything but. that is my fault entirely. no excuses i will give you could contain the depth of my despair in that i have been forced on a schedule i do not condone.

putting artists on a time table is the worst thing you can do. the effortless attachment i now have with burn-out is becoming abundantly clear with how i have been functioning. so much so that i have not a second to spare. the moment i got to claw my fingers on time, i sat to write this piece.

no matter what the burn out is doing to me or the dread that comes with it, i have been able to write a shit ton of good pieces. with that thought, i want y’all to remember one thing before i go any further, i have promised myself to allow myself to be excited. to find the miniscule and let the excitement completely encapsulate me. to not let the looming shadow of future hurt rule over me. rather, let the sun shine bright and let myself giggle.

with that thought, i had MUN in my university for which i was part of the organizing team of Content & Publications. initially, the thought of this conference filled me with regret of ever signing up for it. with my schedule being as hectic as it already is, and having two classes scheduled for saturday, i was pissed that i let my weekend be ruined with more work (the conference was saturday, sunday, and monday).

regardless, i went to the event. all three days. now, i skipped a class on monday to attend the event. why? because i let myself be excited. there was one thing in particular that had me stuck to the event. not mentioning what it was, it kept dragging me back to the event. for three days i was present and attentive because i was so excited! not by the event, obviously, but by the sheer possibilities of what could happen each day.

i was so struck by this that i had no other choice but to go. i contemplated not going on several occasions, but each idea ended with the excitement of all the possibilities i had before me. the event in itself was mediocre, but the people there made it wonderous. i was on my A game for the three days going non-stop till well enough after sunset just riding on the train of my excitement.

even after the event is over, i am still excited because the root of that excitement is still in my life. i am still excited because i have allowed myself to not always look at the dark side.

the song that has been stuck with me for quite some time now has been White Ferrari by Frank Ocean. this song speaks to me like it is depicting my current life for me. i see in it hope for tomorrow and a sense of astonishment for what could be. “im sure we’re taller in another dimension, you say we’re small and not worth the mention” like come on i could shut up forever.

for someone who has always been glass half empty, unbeknownst to me btw, i understand now the importance of seeing the good. i believe we are here for a reason and all of us have some contribution to the world, good or bad. with such importance given to each of us, we have the right to choose where our life goes. we have the power to change our directions whenever we feel like it. to understand our strength and the capacity we have is to strive to be the best we can be everyday.

i recognize my attitude and demeanor as not the best version of me. sometimes i cannot for the life of me control what happens or comes out of my mouth, but i can try. i can unlearn these habits and change who i become when im angry or upset. i can change how i perceive the world when im low. i can change how my life goes 180 whenever im depressed. i can, step by step, change my life if i wish to.

and i have started to.

until next time, ciao

xx