Crashing Into Change.
Unwinding + Extracts.
hello hello. for more of my time, the dullness has been taking over the very constitution of my life. now that i seem to be starting to develop a standing of my own, i’m sensing a new wave of compassion.
this weeks newsletter is about finding ground.
since y’all last heard from me, a lot has been happening. as per usual, the one coping mechanism i have is writing. hence, i have been doing a lot of that. my lil notebook of poetry has been getting filled up quite a lot lately. when writing, i have found myself to be completely oblivious to my surroundings as well as to the way my pen has been storming the paper with words that i can never seem to figure out the origin of.
on thursday, i found myself in class studying the importance of sound and being aware of differences in such. as an exercise, we were asked to go around campus and record a minute long video. then, come back to class and simply listen to the recording with no visuals, writing down what we hear and the complexities of sound; looking through your ears.
doing this exercise, i started to realize how badly, and for how excruciatingly long, i had overcrowded my life with visuals, paying closer to none attention to my surroundings. surprisingly enough, as messy as i tend to be, sound had seemingly been the most mundane part of my life.
while the exercise seemed quite straight-forward, i came to the understanding of my escape. repeatedly stating how badly i craved silence and solitude, extensive noise has flooded my life so much so that i tuned out the world around me. sticking to the monologues in my head, i became engulfed with a longing for quite, often synonymizing it with the idea of peace.
the more i come to terms with who i am, the quicker it becomes for me to get used to this new lifestyle. funniest thing about me right now is that anyone who i was close with less than two months ago may not recognize the person i have become. the best part is i am not mad about that.
with these thoughts racing through my head, i did what i always do and i wrote. i wrote about solitude and i wrote about the struggle of not falling back into my old patterns. extracts from those poems are below:
I Let You Pass Me By, I Let You Walk Away, I Let Me Be With Myself.
…while you ponder reasons of becoming no one
finality in the essence of absolute quite
and you realize
solitude and now
years of lonesome beats
and water into wine
transcends to the essence
of never being alone
of never being alone
in absolute quite
in solitude
in walking away from you
in staying still
after decades
you can hear yourself
you and alone
you in your thoughts
just
- you.
Hold In Your Palm The Lasting Guilt of Your Shortcomings
…for what is beauty
without misery?
what is you
without me?
i have started to realize that this is growth. this, for me, is necessary. my past actions and patterns were self-destructive and as i was so effortlessly used to them that breaking through it is hard as can be. nonetheless, the struggle to not fall back into them is greater.
the song i have been drawn towards this past week has been Good Looking by Suki Waterhouse. for some reason this song has been stuck in the back of my head for the entire week. something about “the skyline falls as i try to make sense of it all/i thought i’d uncovered your secrets, but turns out there’s more/you adored me before” makes me feel just the right things at just the right time.
the belief that has kept me steady is faith within myself of where i know that what i left behind, by recognizing the contempt for it and chaos that it brought, makes me strong enough to allow myself experiences and be open to new adventures all the while knowing i will never let myself be who i used to be. that person no longer exists and i am better for it.
though it is a very conscious effort of not shutting myself off, i have been lacking in it. regardless, i keep trying to make sure to not do so. to not close the door, to allow myself the gift of letting good come through.
allow yourself to heal. allow yourself to break free. most importantly, do not shut yourself off in fear of restoration of bad habits. growing isn’t linear yet you have come thus far. this journey is testament to your strength; the same strength that protects you. if you had the capacity of noticing your faults and working towards changing them, you have the power to not let them repeat again.
until next time, ciao
x