Comfortable.
Enjoying Infatuation and Allowing Myself to be Soft.
hello hello. a lot of new beginnings have a wonderful way of bleeding the pain out of us, something im learning to cope with for the past few weeks. when life became an escape and when i got addicted to avoidance down this road is stunning to me; some questions im trying my hardest to be able to answer.
this newsletter is about opening up.
for the longest time, i have been stuck trying to make sense of someone. my friends hear stories and ask me if im okay, i tell them im fine but in reality the middle-ground of not having any answers is killing me. why? because not being able to find any answers means not having control; i need control. without control i feel like i dont have any power over what happens in my life and if i dont have power over my life, then what the fuck am i doing?
the constant back and forth with this person of giving and pulling away is driving me nuts. so much so that i have been writing a lot about them. in the thick of it, i find myself obsessing over tiny things that seemed too miniscule before. all of my past infatuations, i have never been so effortlessly devoted to one person.
in this, i found out i am really the jealous type. oh my god im the jealous type. cuz why the fuck does this mfker TALK to someone and im there thinking, “why are you not here speaking to me” ??????? i am so jealous of the tiny things that its crazy how much i am noticing. ive been obsessing over tiny details to the point where my friends have started to obsess with me. they tell me every tiny interaction they have with this person that even remotely involves me and then gush over the details with me. talking about how sweet it was like they didn’t only ask where i was.
i have officially lost it.
the song that stuck to me was “Let The Light In” by Lana Del Rey. this song plays like the backing track for my life right now as i allow the light to enter.
the funny thing about this new revelation in my life is that i have become softer. i notice things and i allow myself to gush over the romance instead of getting icked out by me being soft. i have allowed myself to be soft. that is a massive win bro
for someone who hated sappy romantic shit, I AM ALLOWING MYSELF TO ENJOY IT?
thats crazy.
but the good part is that i love the sappy shit now. i love gushing over stolen glances and random smiles like why in the world would i block that out for myself instead of embracing it and actually enjoying it? why have i, for all these years, not allowed myself to enjoy romance? we may never know (had a chat with my therapist about that and it came down to severe abandonment issues), but that is okay.
this is to tell you, for someone like me, enjoying having a crush and enjoying the infatuation is a massive win. this is to tell you, enjoy it. it is amazing how life becomes sunshine and lilies when you start embracing your softness. yes, i can be soft. no, i dont always have to be brutal and protective. it is okay to be soft.
what i leave you with, do not block yourself out from love just because it hurt once. love comes to you in ways so wonderous you never dreamed it. and, if you allow yourself to accept it, you just might find yourself being treated better than you ever once wished for. you deserve to be loved and you deserve to allow yourself to love. do not block it out. let it flow through you. let the light in.
until next time, ciao
x